Do you find that you keep making the same mistakes when looking for someone to love?  Either you persist in relationships which don’t have much of a chance for success, or you avoid some very good ones because you don’t really know what to look for in a healthy relationship. The following are a list of qualities to both look for, and  avoid, when looking for someone to date seriously. This is not an exhaustive list but it covers many of the basics. These are based on what I have observed in my professional life as both a psychotherapist and a singles worker. Feel free to copy this and share it with your friends.

 

Pink Flags:  Qualities which could be a problem depending on the circumstances of the situation. 

Green Flags: Qualities to look for to form a satisfying relationship.

RED AND PINK FLAGS

 Married Men (even if they are very cute, actually, especially if they are very cute)

Proceed with caution with men who are  very recently divorced or separated. They usually have a lot to work out and may not be ready to jump into something new just yet.

Men who are heavily into drugs and alcohol. Remember that being available is essential. If a man is always high, he isn’t  being present and has no way of offering intimacy as he is distant from himself. If someone is either addicted to substances, or is high a good deal of the time, the disruptive nature of his life will spill into yours. Think about if it is worth devoting your time to saving him while neglecting your own needs.

Addictive behaviors  like gambling, sex, porn, video games etc. Some of these in and of themselves can  be fine. It is only when they are addictive and get in the way of intimacy.

Check out relationship histories: What have his other relationships been like? What is his explanation of why his other relationships ended?  Did he cheat, beat, have anger issues?  Was he overly possessive?  Has he ever been in a committed relationship for any extended period of time? This is pink because it doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t commit, but depending on what the circumstances have been, it could be a good indictor that  either it will take a lot of work to have a successful relationship with him, or that he is just not capable of this.

Can he hold a job and maintain consistency in his life ?

What are his living arrangement now and what have they been in the past?  With the tenuous economy and the cost of real estate, you will find people living with parents for an extended period of time. Having said that, if he is 40 and has never lived away from home, there is probably something going on, especially if he is gainfully employed and his parents are in good health.

Premature Intimacy: Ready to make a commitment, say I love you, and rush all sorts of indicators of closeness way before a reasonable time has passed to get to know you.

Men who have trouble being truthful.

Men who are only interested in their satisfaction both personal and or sexual.

Men who only talk about themselves and seem disinterested in your life.

Men who dwell on prior relationships.   

Green Flags

Men who can show affection without necessarily needing  it to end up in the bedroom.

Men who can be loving in the bedroom and for whom making love is about demonstrating feelings and not just about his sexual satisfaction.

Men who are interested in your sexual satisfaction.

Men who show an interest in your life.

Men who stick around when you are going through a difficult situation.

Men who have histories of loving other women in appropriate ways.

Men who demonstrate respect for others both in their attitudes and their actions.

Men who take their lives seriously and are interested in building a foundation for themselves that include a model to incorporate others into it.

Men who demonstrate patience.

Men who have close relationships with others.

Not a prerequisite necessarily but can be very nice, men who can cry in appropriate situations.

Men who can take responsibility for their own actions.

Men who are emotionally available. There is an ease to the relationship and you are not always guessing if he will be there tomorrow.

Men who can commit to one relationship at a time.

Men who are willing to discuss a future after an appropriate amount of time together has passed.

Men who add to your sense of self by appreciating who you are.

A real  bonus: Men who can say out loud what they like and love about you.

I hope that this will be helpful to you. Coming soon, Red, Pink and Green flags for Men.